Just call me Thomas...

I was in the car this morning (way too early) and a song came on about the disciples complete willingness to drop everything to follow Christ. "We will abandon it all, for the sake of the call" I started thinking what it would take for me to do what those men did. A LOT is the answer. It turns out I may be a Thomas. I may be a skeptic. If some man came up to me while I was at work doing my own thing, minding my own business and said "Follow me" I would probably call the police. I know myself well enough to know that I would not blindly follow anyone anywhere. I have friends and mentors and family that have been huge influences in my life, that have seen me through struggles, that have stood before me holding a light to show me the path to follow, but I still would question what we were about to do or where we were about to go. These are some good and faithful examples of Christ's love and grace and I have known them for a lifetime, yet I would never think of leaving everything to follow them. So if a complete stranger asked this of me I would be a) terrified I was about to be raped and killed b) miffed about the interruption and c) likely to use a witty reply to make them go away. How did the disciples do this?! Were they that much better a person than I? I have known about Christ for as long as I can remember. I have read the Bible (not cover to cover, though) and been to camps, retreats, workshops, seminars, concerts and regular Sunday services that were completely devoted to Christ's teachings, yet I would still doubt if Christ stood before me.
Thomas catches a lot of undeserving flak in my opinion. Who among us would see someone be crucified, be heartsick and surely scared, hear that that person who died before me was now alive and well and not say 'I'm going to need some proof.' I would! I wish it were differently, but I know in my heart that I would have to say "Lord, if it's you could I see the scars?" I know this to be true, because I do it daily. How many times have I prayed "Lord, if you're listening..." "Lord, if you hear me..." "Lord, if you're there..." ? Of course I believe He's there and His ears work just fine, but there is a small bit of me that is skeptical of Him hearing what I have to say. Please don't misinterpret this as a sign of disbelief or that I am truly an 'unbeliever' at heart wearing a believer's robe. I am merely human and need to see things with my eyes or hear it with my ears. In today's world anyone who follows a human 'lord' around is considered a nut and should be rescued from those foolish thoughts. I can't imagine it was much different then, or the New Testament would be dramatically different and the disciples would have all lived to ripe old ages. I think that today if the Lord stood before me and said 'follow me' there would be doubt. There would be skepticism. There would be wide eyed stares. Mostly I pray that there would be faith.


John 20: 28-29
Thomas said to him, "My Lord, and my God!"
Then Jesus told him, "Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed."

Wedding Blues

I am willing to admit up front that this post is ridiculous, but that doesn't make it any less real.
Last night I cried, no, sobbed myself to sleep. When I told my husband this today he immediately said 'What did I do? Was it bad?' but this time he was in the clear. I cried over the beautiful baby across the hall. He turned two this past weekend, and while I love this stage in his life his birthday was just a reminder that I can't stop time and keep him here forever. One day some girl is going to take my sweet baby away from me, and there will be very little I can do to but smile for the photos and wave as they drive away. I told you this was going to be ridiculous! All I want, and I'm sure all any mother wants for her children is for them to love and be loved and if he finds himself crazy about some wonderful, godly woman I should be, and will be eventually, thrilled beyond belief. For now though, the thought is terryifing! In between my tears and sobs I began to pray for her last night. I don't even know that she is born! But the Lord knows her and I have to trust the Father's instincts on this and quiet the mother's worries. I pray that this girl understands what a precious piece of our lives she'll be responsible for. I pray that she loves the Lord and encourages him to do the same. One day (eek!) I pray that they'll have children that follow in their footsteps and come to know and love Christ. I pray that I will love her and treat her with the respect I would want. More than that, I pray that I like her and that she'll feel comfortable with me not just as her in-law, but as a friend. I trust the Lord will show her to my sweet boy when it is time, and even though I know there will be many tears shed on this end there will also be a whole new person to love. I pray that I will be up for the challenge! I will love the person my son finds worthy of his love. I know I will. But for now, I will relish in every precious and not-so-perfect moment that we have together.
"A daughter's a daughter for all of her live, but a son's a son until he takes a wife."
Is it wrong I want her to be an orphan?