I have lived the past 7 years of my life trying to devoid it of any anxiety. I know things in the military are never in stone. We aren't moving until the truck shows up, he's not leaving until orders are cut, and he's not home until boots are on the ground. These are all rules I have set for myself to lessen my anxious soul. While I can recite the rules in my sleep, my heart right now is becoming more and more anxious with each passing second. We are no longer counting by months!
I haven't heard my husband's voice in nearly a week. We haven't chatted on Facebook since Thursday. I've gotten two strange messages from him over the weekend, and he's been on the computer much more lately than he normally is. He is saying that communication is delayed or down there right now, and maybe that's true, but my restless self keeps hoping it's all a smoke screen and he'll be on the porch any minute. I keep looking at the door expecting to see something, to see my someone. Is that crazy? I try to keep my emotions in check a lot of the time. I've told you before I'm known as mean, so I try to keep most scathing thoughts and remarks to myself. I've tried to become more complacent, where I used to be fiery. I try to be still when I'm used to constant motion. I try to be patient when it goes against everything in me. Now I am trying to remember my rules while my stomach ties itself in knots. It's definitely harder to practice this the closer we get and the less we are able to communicate. I don't want to make myself crazier than I am doomed to be. Be still my heart, and be quick my calendar!
Monday, October 24, 2011
Sunday, October 2, 2011
BFF
*I have read this before I published it, and felt it only fair to warn you. Grab a snack, it's a long one.
When I thought about writing this post I really thought about the women in my life. I have never prided myself as someone who has a lot of close friends. I don't. I try not to. Don't get me wrong, I know a lot of people and care about them. Some of them I care a great deal about, and would do things for that you may from the outside think 'they must be close', but we aren't. In my life, outside of my family, I have 4 close friends. Four. Including the women in my family that number would go to 6. Of these four (or 6) women I know I can tell them just about anything, and have for the most part. I value their input in my life and take to heart any critiques they give. I love being around them and love sharing with them. Some of them I don't get to see very often, but with each reunion we pick up like we haven't spent a minute a part. One of them has lived on a separate continent from me, (and didn't have a phone!) but I never really felt far from her. With these girls it feels like they will do more than stay on a Christmas card list. I feel like I will carry them with me wherever the military decides to lead us. I thought a lot about these girls when I thought about this post, but in all honesty not one of them is my best friend.
My best friend is the one that saw the hot mess I am and married me anyway! I vividly remember being 12 when I started praying for the man I was going to marry. I prayed about him almost every night without realizing I already knew him. It's funny that I met Rob around the same time I started praying and seriously giving thought to the man I would end up with. God's pretty funny like that. I thought about him all through middle and high school and gave God the list of what I wanted even down to physical appearance. Boy was I surprised when the probably blonde, probably small town, probably football and fishing lovin', Texan hearted boy I thought I would marry turned out to be a dark haired, dark skinned, dark eyed gorgeous man that would take me from my home state and show me the country from coast to coast. He doesn't fish, and only watches Cowboy football with me. He is nothing like the man I thought of and I am so grateful for it. God exceeded what I wanted in every way. You know the verse 'For this child I prayed'? For this husband I prayed. I feel comfortable saying these things about him, because I think you know by now that my soul belongs to the Lord and He is the giver of all that is good in my life, so I feel I can fully express that I love and adore the good thing He gave me in Rob. He is THE MOST FUN I have ever had and I am nuts about him. He is goofy, and wildly inappropriate at times (okay, most of the time). He is smarter than I will ever be, and incredibly handsome. He is incredibly considerate of others and goes to great lengths to make sure everyone feels welcome around him. He may be my polar opposite in that way! He can sing, play multiple instruments, and is a ridiculous dancer. He has three laughs, the mean one, the fake one, and the real one, and it is not easy to tell the difference unless you're married to him. He loves all things economics and politics. He listens to NPR (gag me.) 90% of any car trip. He is not a man that loves sweets, but will eat any dessert I make and say that he loves it. He is kind, and generous with his love for our family. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I thank God for him many, many times a day. I value him and am deeply proud of him.
I don't want to fill you with the wrong image. Our road has not been a smooth one from the beginning (the real beginning almost 11 years ago). We have absolutely slipped from the top of the mountain and held tight to the rocky sides, especially in the first few years. There have been arguments and tears and name calling (me. I'm a shameless name caller). There has been over year of time a part when you add up the TDY assignments and 2 deployments. There has been a lot of poor choices made by both of us. In spite of all of that, there has been 7 wedded years, a child we love so much it makes us crazy (or he makes us crazy, depending on the day), 7 moves, 4 apartments, 2 rentals, and 1 home, and more peaceful bliss, love, and laughter than I ever would have counted on. My husband has seen me wild, sick, happy, sad, angry, angrier still, and furious. He has loved me despite all of my baggage, and I him. I know that the difficult times we've faced seem like small potatoes to some, and I am thankful for that. I know that there are dark, windy roads that we could find ourselves on. Temptation is everywhere in this world and it is easy to get snared by a dark trap. I believe wholeheartedly that we have avoided a lot with the grace of God and will pray for that to continue. I pray that I will always have my best friend there to pick me up and hold my hand. I pray that he knows there isn't a thing in this world I wouldn't do for him. I pray that wherever we end up, and whatever we do along the way, that we are still joyful and laughing at the other end, side by side.
I care about a lot of people, some very deeply, but he is my best friend.
When I thought about writing this post I really thought about the women in my life. I have never prided myself as someone who has a lot of close friends. I don't. I try not to. Don't get me wrong, I know a lot of people and care about them. Some of them I care a great deal about, and would do things for that you may from the outside think 'they must be close', but we aren't. In my life, outside of my family, I have 4 close friends. Four. Including the women in my family that number would go to 6. Of these four (or 6) women I know I can tell them just about anything, and have for the most part. I value their input in my life and take to heart any critiques they give. I love being around them and love sharing with them. Some of them I don't get to see very often, but with each reunion we pick up like we haven't spent a minute a part. One of them has lived on a separate continent from me, (and didn't have a phone!) but I never really felt far from her. With these girls it feels like they will do more than stay on a Christmas card list. I feel like I will carry them with me wherever the military decides to lead us. I thought a lot about these girls when I thought about this post, but in all honesty not one of them is my best friend.
My best friend is the one that saw the hot mess I am and married me anyway! I vividly remember being 12 when I started praying for the man I was going to marry. I prayed about him almost every night without realizing I already knew him. It's funny that I met Rob around the same time I started praying and seriously giving thought to the man I would end up with. God's pretty funny like that. I thought about him all through middle and high school and gave God the list of what I wanted even down to physical appearance. Boy was I surprised when the probably blonde, probably small town, probably football and fishing lovin', Texan hearted boy I thought I would marry turned out to be a dark haired, dark skinned, dark eyed gorgeous man that would take me from my home state and show me the country from coast to coast. He doesn't fish, and only watches Cowboy football with me. He is nothing like the man I thought of and I am so grateful for it. God exceeded what I wanted in every way. You know the verse 'For this child I prayed'? For this husband I prayed. I feel comfortable saying these things about him, because I think you know by now that my soul belongs to the Lord and He is the giver of all that is good in my life, so I feel I can fully express that I love and adore the good thing He gave me in Rob. He is THE MOST FUN I have ever had and I am nuts about him. He is goofy, and wildly inappropriate at times (okay, most of the time). He is smarter than I will ever be, and incredibly handsome. He is incredibly considerate of others and goes to great lengths to make sure everyone feels welcome around him. He may be my polar opposite in that way! He can sing, play multiple instruments, and is a ridiculous dancer. He has three laughs, the mean one, the fake one, and the real one, and it is not easy to tell the difference unless you're married to him. He loves all things economics and politics. He listens to NPR (gag me.) 90% of any car trip. He is not a man that loves sweets, but will eat any dessert I make and say that he loves it. He is kind, and generous with his love for our family. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I thank God for him many, many times a day. I value him and am deeply proud of him.
I don't want to fill you with the wrong image. Our road has not been a smooth one from the beginning (the real beginning almost 11 years ago). We have absolutely slipped from the top of the mountain and held tight to the rocky sides, especially in the first few years. There have been arguments and tears and name calling (me. I'm a shameless name caller). There has been over year of time a part when you add up the TDY assignments and 2 deployments. There has been a lot of poor choices made by both of us. In spite of all of that, there has been 7 wedded years, a child we love so much it makes us crazy (or he makes us crazy, depending on the day), 7 moves, 4 apartments, 2 rentals, and 1 home, and more peaceful bliss, love, and laughter than I ever would have counted on. My husband has seen me wild, sick, happy, sad, angry, angrier still, and furious. He has loved me despite all of my baggage, and I him. I know that the difficult times we've faced seem like small potatoes to some, and I am thankful for that. I know that there are dark, windy roads that we could find ourselves on. Temptation is everywhere in this world and it is easy to get snared by a dark trap. I believe wholeheartedly that we have avoided a lot with the grace of God and will pray for that to continue. I pray that I will always have my best friend there to pick me up and hold my hand. I pray that he knows there isn't a thing in this world I wouldn't do for him. I pray that wherever we end up, and whatever we do along the way, that we are still joyful and laughing at the other end, side by side.
I care about a lot of people, some very deeply, but he is my best friend.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Seasons
It's hard to believe it's been over a year since I put anything on this blog. There has been a lot that I wanted to share, but who has the time anymore? And being the Facebook addict that I am, most of my thoughts are now instant. Lucky everyone. Today, however, I feel like writing.
The temps are starting to drop in Maryland. Things are starting to feel cool, and it's not abnormal to wear long sleeves or a very light jacket at night. It's my favorite time of the year when the weather becomes cooler, the leaves start to change, and I no longer have to fear putting on a swim suit. I love all things Fall. I am giddy about our Halloween decorations coming out at the end of the month, and then I change them again twice before the new year! I love the rush of holidays that go with this season too. I'm all about any holiday devoted to getting chocolate. This particular Fall is going to be a good one, because my love returns from Iraq. Again. I feel grateful to live in a this time of technology. I can't imagine the days of WW2 when men left for years at a time and only corresponded by letters when they could. I always say WW2, but truly I'm grateful he wasn't in Iraq in 2004, when there was zero wifi and calls were brief and made from sat phones. Granted, last time he did have wifi in his room so we talked regularly, I am still at peace with the calls we get every couple of days. It's hard to be a part. It's hard to take care of the house/kid/car without wanting to fall apart every now and again. It's hard to be a military spouse. But I can't think of a better way to serve our county. So many people don't think about the incredible place we live until tragedy strikes. Even 10 years after 9-11 people have become 'hard' again. They have lost the patriotic tug at their hearts that was there in the months and years after. It's depressing if I think about it too much. It may be crazy, and I may regret this in the coming years, but I do hope our son serves. Right now he talks about how his daddy is a hero and how he wants to be a hero too, and I try to encourage that. The military is a teacher like no one else, and I want our children to learn and be grateful for what their dad does. I want them to know the road that we chose for our family was not always easy, but it was meaningful and helped others. I want them to know that their dad IS a hero and the people that serve with him are too. One day, if I am watching my son be sworn in I hope to be joyful and give thanks for the man of courage he will be. (Really I'm hoping that those feelings will be there and real with anything he chooses to do in life!) But for now, I will watch with my nose pressed to the glass, willing the leaves to change and fall to the earth and bring my love home.
The temps are starting to drop in Maryland. Things are starting to feel cool, and it's not abnormal to wear long sleeves or a very light jacket at night. It's my favorite time of the year when the weather becomes cooler, the leaves start to change, and I no longer have to fear putting on a swim suit. I love all things Fall. I am giddy about our Halloween decorations coming out at the end of the month, and then I change them again twice before the new year! I love the rush of holidays that go with this season too. I'm all about any holiday devoted to getting chocolate. This particular Fall is going to be a good one, because my love returns from Iraq. Again. I feel grateful to live in a this time of technology. I can't imagine the days of WW2 when men left for years at a time and only corresponded by letters when they could. I always say WW2, but truly I'm grateful he wasn't in Iraq in 2004, when there was zero wifi and calls were brief and made from sat phones. Granted, last time he did have wifi in his room so we talked regularly, I am still at peace with the calls we get every couple of days. It's hard to be a part. It's hard to take care of the house/kid/car without wanting to fall apart every now and again. It's hard to be a military spouse. But I can't think of a better way to serve our county. So many people don't think about the incredible place we live until tragedy strikes. Even 10 years after 9-11 people have become 'hard' again. They have lost the patriotic tug at their hearts that was there in the months and years after. It's depressing if I think about it too much. It may be crazy, and I may regret this in the coming years, but I do hope our son serves. Right now he talks about how his daddy is a hero and how he wants to be a hero too, and I try to encourage that. The military is a teacher like no one else, and I want our children to learn and be grateful for what their dad does. I want them to know the road that we chose for our family was not always easy, but it was meaningful and helped others. I want them to know that their dad IS a hero and the people that serve with him are too. One day, if I am watching my son be sworn in I hope to be joyful and give thanks for the man of courage he will be. (Really I'm hoping that those feelings will be there and real with anything he chooses to do in life!) But for now, I will watch with my nose pressed to the glass, willing the leaves to change and fall to the earth and bring my love home.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Just call me Thomas...
I was in the car this morning (way too early) and a song came on about the disciples complete willingness to drop everything to follow Christ. "We will abandon it all, for the sake of the call" I started thinking what it would take for me to do what those men did. A LOT is the answer. It turns out I may be a Thomas. I may be a skeptic. If some man came up to me while I was at work doing my own thing, minding my own business and said "Follow me" I would probably call the police. I know myself well enough to know that I would not blindly follow anyone anywhere. I have friends and mentors and family that have been huge influences in my life, that have seen me through struggles, that have stood before me holding a light to show me the path to follow, but I still would question what we were about to do or where we were about to go. These are some good and faithful examples of Christ's love and grace and I have known them for a lifetime, yet I would never think of leaving everything to follow them. So if a complete stranger asked this of me I would be a) terrified I was about to be raped and killed b) miffed about the interruption and c) likely to use a witty reply to make them go away. How did the disciples do this?! Were they that much better a person than I? I have known about Christ for as long as I can remember. I have read the Bible (not cover to cover, though) and been to camps, retreats, workshops, seminars, concerts and regular Sunday services that were completely devoted to Christ's teachings, yet I would still doubt if Christ stood before me.
Thomas catches a lot of undeserving flak in my opinion. Who among us would see someone be crucified, be heartsick and surely scared, hear that that person who died before me was now alive and well and not say 'I'm going to need some proof.' I would! I wish it were differently, but I know in my heart that I would have to say "Lord, if it's you could I see the scars?" I know this to be true, because I do it daily. How many times have I prayed "Lord, if you're listening..." "Lord, if you hear me..." "Lord, if you're there..." ? Of course I believe He's there and His ears work just fine, but there is a small bit of me that is skeptical of Him hearing what I have to say. Please don't misinterpret this as a sign of disbelief or that I am truly an 'unbeliever' at heart wearing a believer's robe. I am merely human and need to see things with my eyes or hear it with my ears. In today's world anyone who follows a human 'lord' around is considered a nut and should be rescued from those foolish thoughts. I can't imagine it was much different then, or the New Testament would be dramatically different and the disciples would have all lived to ripe old ages. I think that today if the Lord stood before me and said 'follow me' there would be doubt. There would be skepticism. There would be wide eyed stares. Mostly I pray that there would be faith.
John 20: 28-29
Thomas said to him, "My Lord, and my God!"
Then Jesus told him, "Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed."
Thomas catches a lot of undeserving flak in my opinion. Who among us would see someone be crucified, be heartsick and surely scared, hear that that person who died before me was now alive and well and not say 'I'm going to need some proof.' I would! I wish it were differently, but I know in my heart that I would have to say "Lord, if it's you could I see the scars?" I know this to be true, because I do it daily. How many times have I prayed "Lord, if you're listening..." "Lord, if you hear me..." "Lord, if you're there..." ? Of course I believe He's there and His ears work just fine, but there is a small bit of me that is skeptical of Him hearing what I have to say. Please don't misinterpret this as a sign of disbelief or that I am truly an 'unbeliever' at heart wearing a believer's robe. I am merely human and need to see things with my eyes or hear it with my ears. In today's world anyone who follows a human 'lord' around is considered a nut and should be rescued from those foolish thoughts. I can't imagine it was much different then, or the New Testament would be dramatically different and the disciples would have all lived to ripe old ages. I think that today if the Lord stood before me and said 'follow me' there would be doubt. There would be skepticism. There would be wide eyed stares. Mostly I pray that there would be faith.
John 20: 28-29
Thomas said to him, "My Lord, and my God!"
Then Jesus told him, "Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed."
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Wedding Blues
I am willing to admit up front that this post is ridiculous, but that doesn't make it any less real.
Last night I cried, no, sobbed myself to sleep. When I told my husband this today he immediately said 'What did I do? Was it bad?' but this time he was in the clear. I cried over the beautiful baby across the hall. He turned two this past weekend, and while I love this stage in his life his birthday was just a reminder that I can't stop time and keep him here forever. One day some girl is going to take my sweet baby away from me, and there will be very little I can do to but smile for the photos and wave as they drive away. I told you this was going to be ridiculous! All I want, and I'm sure all any mother wants for her children is for them to love and be loved and if he finds himself crazy about some wonderful, godly woman I should be, and will be eventually, thrilled beyond belief. For now though, the thought is terryifing! In between my tears and sobs I began to pray for her last night. I don't even know that she is born! But the Lord knows her and I have to trust the Father's instincts on this and quiet the mother's worries. I pray that this girl understands what a precious piece of our lives she'll be responsible for. I pray that she loves the Lord and encourages him to do the same. One day (eek!) I pray that they'll have children that follow in their footsteps and come to know and love Christ. I pray that I will love her and treat her with the respect I would want. More than that, I pray that I like her and that she'll feel comfortable with me not just as her in-law, but as a friend. I trust the Lord will show her to my sweet boy when it is time, and even though I know there will be many tears shed on this end there will also be a whole new person to love. I pray that I will be up for the challenge! I will love the person my son finds worthy of his love. I know I will. But for now, I will relish in every precious and not-so-perfect moment that we have together.
"A daughter's a daughter for all of her live, but a son's a son until he takes a wife."
Is it wrong I want her to be an orphan?
Last night I cried, no, sobbed myself to sleep. When I told my husband this today he immediately said 'What did I do? Was it bad?' but this time he was in the clear. I cried over the beautiful baby across the hall. He turned two this past weekend, and while I love this stage in his life his birthday was just a reminder that I can't stop time and keep him here forever. One day some girl is going to take my sweet baby away from me, and there will be very little I can do to but smile for the photos and wave as they drive away. I told you this was going to be ridiculous! All I want, and I'm sure all any mother wants for her children is for them to love and be loved and if he finds himself crazy about some wonderful, godly woman I should be, and will be eventually, thrilled beyond belief. For now though, the thought is terryifing! In between my tears and sobs I began to pray for her last night. I don't even know that she is born! But the Lord knows her and I have to trust the Father's instincts on this and quiet the mother's worries. I pray that this girl understands what a precious piece of our lives she'll be responsible for. I pray that she loves the Lord and encourages him to do the same. One day (eek!) I pray that they'll have children that follow in their footsteps and come to know and love Christ. I pray that I will love her and treat her with the respect I would want. More than that, I pray that I like her and that she'll feel comfortable with me not just as her in-law, but as a friend. I trust the Lord will show her to my sweet boy when it is time, and even though I know there will be many tears shed on this end there will also be a whole new person to love. I pray that I will be up for the challenge! I will love the person my son finds worthy of his love. I know I will. But for now, I will relish in every precious and not-so-perfect moment that we have together.
"A daughter's a daughter for all of her live, but a son's a son until he takes a wife."
Is it wrong I want her to be an orphan?
Friday, November 13, 2009
Oh Silly Dog.
I have to tell you I love cribs! Not the TV show. I actually don't like that one. People purchase ridiculous things. No, I love cribs the bed. They are the most wonderful and powerful weapon in a mom's arsonal. "Don't do that or you'll have to go to bed." "Don't touch that or you're going to your bed." "One more time and you're going to bed." Oh the crib is a mom's best friend. Well, at least this mom! As I sit here my son is screaming from his little entrapment, because he told me shut up four times in 2 minutes. I know you're thinking he probably should have been in bed after the first one, and I agree, but when I turn around and ask "What did you just say to me?" he says "I say silly dog." So instead of busting him on using an ugly phrase and lying, I let it slide. The first time. The next three were like rapid fire and even he knew there was no denying what was said. So off to bed with him.
Where does he pick this stuff up? He's not even two and he's telling me to shut up and then totally lying about it? It's disturbing. Or at least it should be. Lets face it, he's a smart kid, but he's not pulling this stuff out of thin air. I have a girlfriend I love to get to talk to, but because of the distance that's usually only done over the phone and every mom knows you can't have a private phone conversation with a toddler in the house unless you leave them in the house and go talk in the car. And the husband takes the car during the day, so that's out. (Kidding.) Well, one of the things that I apparently say to this friend alot is... You guessed it. Shut up! And he started out saying "shut up dog!" which he may have picked up from a certain mom who's silly dog likes to run in the opposite direction of the back door when she's called back in. So there's one mystery solved. But the lying? Do I lie in front of my child? I can't recall an all out lie I have even told lately. Not even a little white one. Where is that coming from? How do I stop it?
Psalm 34:12-14 (New International Version)
12 Whoever of you loves life and desires to see many good days,
13 keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking lies.
14 Turn from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it.
Of course this verse is true and easy for you and I to understand, but how do you teach it to a one year old? How do I get him to understand that he needs to watch his mouth?
Oh, right. Be the example.
Alright. I'll try starting now. The dog needs to go outside anyway.
Where does he pick this stuff up? He's not even two and he's telling me to shut up and then totally lying about it? It's disturbing. Or at least it should be. Lets face it, he's a smart kid, but he's not pulling this stuff out of thin air. I have a girlfriend I love to get to talk to, but because of the distance that's usually only done over the phone and every mom knows you can't have a private phone conversation with a toddler in the house unless you leave them in the house and go talk in the car. And the husband takes the car during the day, so that's out. (Kidding.) Well, one of the things that I apparently say to this friend alot is... You guessed it. Shut up! And he started out saying "shut up dog!" which he may have picked up from a certain mom who's silly dog likes to run in the opposite direction of the back door when she's called back in. So there's one mystery solved. But the lying? Do I lie in front of my child? I can't recall an all out lie I have even told lately. Not even a little white one. Where is that coming from? How do I stop it?
Psalm 34:12-14 (New International Version)
12 Whoever of you loves life and desires to see many good days,
13 keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking lies.
14 Turn from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it.
Of course this verse is true and easy for you and I to understand, but how do you teach it to a one year old? How do I get him to understand that he needs to watch his mouth?
Oh, right. Be the example.
Alright. I'll try starting now. The dog needs to go outside anyway.
Friday, May 15, 2009
5 up, 5 down!
Two weeks ago I went in to weigh and was (semi) shocked to learn I gained FIVE pounds! In one week! I didn't even think that was possible. Thanks to my good friends at Starbucks I learned it really is. I must have had a java chip frappaciono every single day, sometimes twice! It was a very yummy 5 lbs I will admit, but it had to go. The next week I lost 3 lbs. and 2 last week. So I'm back to where I was three weeks ago, which would typically send my right into a forget-this-tailspin, but I chose to stick it out and see what happened and it paid off!
Imagine if I hadn't given up on things all along the path that were too frustrating or hard for me to do! I probably would be an amazing gymnast (all of about a month), guitarist (can't even remember, but I do remember jumping on my bed and accidentally smashing the guitar that was tucked away underneath!), novelist (middle school), garbage man (child hood dream)! I should vow right now to never give up on anything again. I should. Should I? I'll go sit on the couch and think about that a while longer.
Imagine if I hadn't given up on things all along the path that were too frustrating or hard for me to do! I probably would be an amazing gymnast (all of about a month), guitarist (can't even remember, but I do remember jumping on my bed and accidentally smashing the guitar that was tucked away underneath!), novelist (middle school), garbage man (child hood dream)! I should vow right now to never give up on anything again. I should. Should I? I'll go sit on the couch and think about that a while longer.
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