Do you ever have evil thoughts? Not like 'Man, I sure wish I could strangle someone right now.' but the kind that are more rebellious? There was once this time in high school youth group when we had taken like 8 'spiritual gift' test and I had started lying through my teeth after the 4th one to see if I would get different results (I did) and finally after the 6th one was pretty much done with the whole idea. Well, by the 8th one I wasn't even taking the dumb things any more. I decided to make up my own spiritual gift and when my turn came to tell the rest of the class what the test said my gift was I put on the straightest face I have and simply said 'Wrath.' There may have been a person or two that was a tad offended that I wasn't taking this very seriously, but from that point forward, a teeny tiny bit of me thought maybe that answer wasn't far off. I was (am) quick to pass judgment. I was (am) able to become very indignant on the spot. I was (am) able to tell you what to do or, for some, where to go without a moments hesitation. Why couldn't I have wrath? I seemed to fit the bill. Now, six years later, I have come to grips with my spiritual gift probably not being wrath. Mostly because it's not very Biblical, and if God was doling out wrath as a gift He would probably be wise enough to not give it to me.
Having said all of that, I do believe that quick tongue and touch of meanness is in my DNA, and is something God is shining the biggest light possible on. I don't believe I'm a mean person, contrary to what the rest of my entire family has said both to me and about me to other people. I have a lot of love that is freely given to whomever I choose. I have a husband and child, as well as a group of close friends that I'm completely honest with and love very much. However, I think that believing that I had the wrath, and being told that I'm mean for many years has put me at a disadvantage for this part of changing. I have honed my tongue to say mean things very quickly, and sometimes without you even realizing that it was a slam, to the point that change is like being a dam. On the outside I want to say calm things like 'Good for you!' 'I'm so happy about that!' 'Yippee!' but on the inside I want to say things like 'You have to be freaking kidding me!' 'I'm so sick to death of this if I hear it one more time I will spend multiple years in jail for what I will do to you!' 'Get away from me immediately, or this won't end well!' See, pretty big dilemma. I have been trying to bite my tongue and keep quiet, but my insides are raging. I'll find myself stewing for days and I think 'Oh honey, if I could just have shot out a quick 'no one cares about your problems so pick up your waawaa bag and move along' then I would have felt so much better and wouldn't even be thinking about it right now.' I haven't though. I truly hope this is pleasing to God and He's not up there shaking His head or really not taking any notice at all. I have been trying. Though it may not seem sincere enough to all (sorry guys, my poem writing days are over) it's a work in progress. Just like me. And if you don't like it then you can go straight to....
Great. Now I need a tongue band aid.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Great is Thy faithfulness!
A lot has happened since the last time I checked in. The baby and I flew home and I attended a confrence, well part of it, while he stayed with my mom. My mother got engaged. My sister found out we're expecting another adorable girl. Hubby has been put up for a great work-related award. All in all, life is going!
This confrence that I semi attended was a really good time. It was a Christian women's confrence with mass meetings in the morning and evening and classes throughout the day. While I attended the main sessions, I skipped out on the classes. The speaker was hilarious and did a fantastic job, but none of the classes a) sounded all that great and b) fit into a schedule that incorporated going out for meals since the meals provided were not all that appealing.
The ladies that I spent the most time with and I have decided to start meeting on Saturdays to begin a Kay Arthur study. I'm really excited about this prospect. I believe that your faith is personal, and you don't have to go around beating people to death with it to have it. I've done that before, and as I've gotten older I realize that most people don't respond well to that, and are more intrigued by a person that lives their faith instead of wearing it on their chest. With my thought on faith being personal, I think that this atmosphere will lend a more intimate setting as opposed to the class room setting we are currently attending. I've enjoyed my class very much, but the rest of our women's group meetings are really too much. Don't get me wrong, I love good praise music and I enjoy fellowshiping with other women, but I really feel like we lose the spirit of the setting with the announcements, check-in, crazy prayer games, and stopping by for refreshments. I'm praying that this new smaller group will be more like what I initially had envisioned. I believe that God can and will bless this idea, especially since it will remove myself and the other women from passing judgement on how things are ran in the current group, and hopefully will curb gossip sessions about what 'she' really meant when she said '___'.
I'm also in prayer that a friend of mine will join us. She's had a rough two years finding a place to be plugged in and I'm really hopeful that if she would try just one more time that she would find a safe haven with us. It's rough to find a group of women that you can easily mesh with instantiously. I have been incredibly blessed, or lucky, or whatever you would like to call it with every move we've made thus far in being able to find at least one fantastic friend that I can be myself around and truly feel at home with. At our first post, I lucked into a job where I met a woman over twice my age (infact, she has a daughter my age) that was and is a wonderful influence to me, and I would like to think I rubbed off on her a little too! We are both terrible at pilates, but would console ourselves with a nice lunch at Freebirds! At our next assignment I met my favorite friend. A mother of four, devoted and loving wife, amazing chef, and all around great friend. I miss her every day. She was like a big sister and a best friend rolled into one and gave me a great role model as far as how I want to parent. Her faith, albeit different than mine (she's Mormon) is deeper and more rock solid than many people I have met in churches in at least three states now. And here I have been blessed with two new friends that I think are keepers. They are there when I need an ear, a shoulder, or a baby sitter which is absolutely priceless! Even though we are new friends, I have a good feeling about them. They may remain on our Christmas card list for quite some time.
All I have needed Thy hand has provided. Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me!
This confrence that I semi attended was a really good time. It was a Christian women's confrence with mass meetings in the morning and evening and classes throughout the day. While I attended the main sessions, I skipped out on the classes. The speaker was hilarious and did a fantastic job, but none of the classes a) sounded all that great and b) fit into a schedule that incorporated going out for meals since the meals provided were not all that appealing.
The ladies that I spent the most time with and I have decided to start meeting on Saturdays to begin a Kay Arthur study. I'm really excited about this prospect. I believe that your faith is personal, and you don't have to go around beating people to death with it to have it. I've done that before, and as I've gotten older I realize that most people don't respond well to that, and are more intrigued by a person that lives their faith instead of wearing it on their chest. With my thought on faith being personal, I think that this atmosphere will lend a more intimate setting as opposed to the class room setting we are currently attending. I've enjoyed my class very much, but the rest of our women's group meetings are really too much. Don't get me wrong, I love good praise music and I enjoy fellowshiping with other women, but I really feel like we lose the spirit of the setting with the announcements, check-in, crazy prayer games, and stopping by for refreshments. I'm praying that this new smaller group will be more like what I initially had envisioned. I believe that God can and will bless this idea, especially since it will remove myself and the other women from passing judgement on how things are ran in the current group, and hopefully will curb gossip sessions about what 'she' really meant when she said '___'.
I'm also in prayer that a friend of mine will join us. She's had a rough two years finding a place to be plugged in and I'm really hopeful that if she would try just one more time that she would find a safe haven with us. It's rough to find a group of women that you can easily mesh with instantiously. I have been incredibly blessed, or lucky, or whatever you would like to call it with every move we've made thus far in being able to find at least one fantastic friend that I can be myself around and truly feel at home with. At our first post, I lucked into a job where I met a woman over twice my age (infact, she has a daughter my age) that was and is a wonderful influence to me, and I would like to think I rubbed off on her a little too! We are both terrible at pilates, but would console ourselves with a nice lunch at Freebirds! At our next assignment I met my favorite friend. A mother of four, devoted and loving wife, amazing chef, and all around great friend. I miss her every day. She was like a big sister and a best friend rolled into one and gave me a great role model as far as how I want to parent. Her faith, albeit different than mine (she's Mormon) is deeper and more rock solid than many people I have met in churches in at least three states now. And here I have been blessed with two new friends that I think are keepers. They are there when I need an ear, a shoulder, or a baby sitter which is absolutely priceless! Even though we are new friends, I have a good feeling about them. They may remain on our Christmas card list for quite some time.
All I have needed Thy hand has provided. Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me!
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