Do you ever have evil thoughts? Not like 'Man, I sure wish I could strangle someone right now.' but the kind that are more rebellious? There was once this time in high school youth group when we had taken like 8 'spiritual gift' test and I had started lying through my teeth after the 4th one to see if I would get different results (I did) and finally after the 6th one was pretty much done with the whole idea. Well, by the 8th one I wasn't even taking the dumb things any more. I decided to make up my own spiritual gift and when my turn came to tell the rest of the class what the test said my gift was I put on the straightest face I have and simply said 'Wrath.' There may have been a person or two that was a tad offended that I wasn't taking this very seriously, but from that point forward, a teeny tiny bit of me thought maybe that answer wasn't far off. I was (am) quick to pass judgment. I was (am) able to become very indignant on the spot. I was (am) able to tell you what to do or, for some, where to go without a moments hesitation. Why couldn't I have wrath? I seemed to fit the bill. Now, six years later, I have come to grips with my spiritual gift probably not being wrath. Mostly because it's not very Biblical, and if God was doling out wrath as a gift He would probably be wise enough to not give it to me.
Having said all of that, I do believe that quick tongue and touch of meanness is in my DNA, and is something God is shining the biggest light possible on. I don't believe I'm a mean person, contrary to what the rest of my entire family has said both to me and about me to other people. I have a lot of love that is freely given to whomever I choose. I have a husband and child, as well as a group of close friends that I'm completely honest with and love very much. However, I think that believing that I had the wrath, and being told that I'm mean for many years has put me at a disadvantage for this part of changing. I have honed my tongue to say mean things very quickly, and sometimes without you even realizing that it was a slam, to the point that change is like being a dam. On the outside I want to say calm things like 'Good for you!' 'I'm so happy about that!' 'Yippee!' but on the inside I want to say things like 'You have to be freaking kidding me!' 'I'm so sick to death of this if I hear it one more time I will spend multiple years in jail for what I will do to you!' 'Get away from me immediately, or this won't end well!' See, pretty big dilemma. I have been trying to bite my tongue and keep quiet, but my insides are raging. I'll find myself stewing for days and I think 'Oh honey, if I could just have shot out a quick 'no one cares about your problems so pick up your waawaa bag and move along' then I would have felt so much better and wouldn't even be thinking about it right now.' I haven't though. I truly hope this is pleasing to God and He's not up there shaking His head or really not taking any notice at all. I have been trying. Though it may not seem sincere enough to all (sorry guys, my poem writing days are over) it's a work in progress. Just like me. And if you don't like it then you can go straight to....
Great. Now I need a tongue band aid.
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