Whew.

This weekend was the greatest weekend I have ever had. Easily takes the cake! I was able to see my wonderful husband and as an added bonus the baby came with me. It was so much fun and so amazing to see him after six weeks and have a weekend of relaxation and rest. I am even more smitten with him now than I was when this all started nearly six years ago!
With those feelings of infatuation comes a massive wave of sadness at another goodbye. I handled it better than I thought I would, but that just means that I wasn't escorted out by airport security in a big kicking-and-screaming ball of tears! It was hard to watch him board the plane, even though I was very grateful to be let through security to spend every last second with him, but I think it was hardest when I landed back in Texas this afternoon. It made it feel real. I knew the day was coming that he would leave, but I hadn't prepared myself for the day I would! When the plane landed so did a weight on my chest. It's officially begun. The baby and I are here and he is there. For at least the next 196 days this is how our world will be. I have a dry erase board in the kitchen and every morning I erase the number and write in the new one. This started at 218, so I really feel like this is a cathartic part of my day!
With the help of my family, and the comfort of the Lord I know we can make it through this. I mean, we have already made it six weeks!

Ah, King David...

"10 Create in me a clean heart, O God,
And renew a steadfast spirit within me.
11 Do not cast me away from Your presence,
And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me." Psalms 51:10-11

After my last post I had to sit and have a talk with the Lord. "Father, why is this happening? We were doing so well and life was smooth and now this. Why do You allow me to hurt like this?"
What a question to bring before God! He brought this passage to me, I believe, as an answer. Like a human I began dwelling on the 'why mes' and dropping my eyes from Heaven to look at my surroundings. Which, by the way could use a visit from the vacuum, but I digress. Instead of seeing this time of separation from my normal life as a time to grow in the Lord I have been viewing it as a time of isolation and even punishment.
How happy am I to serve a God that is in the business of loving humans! Even when I begin to dip into the pits, and want to throw a tantrum He patiently and lovingly reminds me that while this particular time in our lives may not be what we want or expected "I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11) If I believe this to be true (which I do) and know God truly cares for me (again, I do) then I am left with no other option than to cry out like King David.
Clean my heart, O Lord! Remove any foothold Satan may have so that I can fully rely on the knowledge that You are with me and that Your love is ever present, ever perfect, and ever lasting! Help me to remained focus on You even when I want to kick and scream about how unfair life is, and thank you for loving me even when I'm childish.
Whew! After tackling that I'm ready for anything. Now where has that vacuum ran off too?

Pity party. Table for 1.

Tonight I'm feeling pretty down. I had a good day full of exercising and lunch with family, but it's hard to come home to emptiness and keep your spirits up. The baby is currently napping, which is great, but it gives me even more time to pine for my husband. It's hard when you're surrounded by family and familiarity and yet you still feel so out of place. I'm sitting in my apartment, again. Eating a bowl of soup, again. Missing my husband and my 'real life', again. I don't belong here. I belong with him. And I miss sitting in our tiny town home while he sat at his desk messing on the computer and the baby and I played behind him carrying on a conversation as a whole. I miss having someone to share inside jokes, and someone that I can anything to without feeling judged. I miss having someone that say 'I missed you today' or 'I am so happy to be home' or even 'What's for dinner'. You would be surprised what small things you miss when they aren't there anymore and the big things you take for granted!
I almost, almost miss cleaning the bathroom sink after he shaves every morning. Almost.

Ready for visitation!

I have 10 days until I leave and 11 until I see the husband! I can hardly stand myself! As I gear up to see him, I'm also gearing up to leave the baby behind. I am so torn. I know those two guys would love to hang out, but we haven't seen each other in six weeks and it will only be for two days. It's just hard to leave one boy to see the other!
On a similar, but different note I had to get on the Wii today and play for a while to get in a little work out. I wasn't able to go to my weigh in last week due to weather, and so I wasn't able to get a 'tracker' and let my diet diary slide. Plus there was a day this week when I couldn't get enough food in my mouth! So the past two days I've had to be extra good so that the weigh in tomorrow won't be dreadful. I have to look good for my impending trip!
Is there anyone out there that believes that in 11 days I can drop 20 lbs?? No. Well, how about 19?