I have lived the past 7 years of my life trying to devoid it of any anxiety. I know things in the military are never in stone. We aren't moving until the truck shows up, he's not leaving until orders are cut, and he's not home until boots are on the ground. These are all rules I have set for myself to lessen my anxious soul. While I can recite the rules in my sleep, my heart right now is becoming more and more anxious with each passing second. We are no longer counting by months!
I haven't heard my husband's voice in nearly a week. We haven't chatted on Facebook since Thursday. I've gotten two strange messages from him over the weekend, and he's been on the computer much more lately than he normally is. He is saying that communication is delayed or down there right now, and maybe that's true, but my restless self keeps hoping it's all a smoke screen and he'll be on the porch any minute. I keep looking at the door expecting to see something, to see my someone. Is that crazy? I try to keep my emotions in check a lot of the time. I've told you before I'm known as mean, so I try to keep most scathing thoughts and remarks to myself. I've tried to become more complacent, where I used to be fiery. I try to be still when I'm used to constant motion. I try to be patient when it goes against everything in me. Now I am trying to remember my rules while my stomach ties itself in knots. It's definitely harder to practice this the closer we get and the less we are able to communicate. I don't want to make myself crazier than I am doomed to be. Be still my heart, and be quick my calendar!
Monday, October 24, 2011
Sunday, October 2, 2011
BFF
*I have read this before I published it, and felt it only fair to warn you. Grab a snack, it's a long one.
When I thought about writing this post I really thought about the women in my life. I have never prided myself as someone who has a lot of close friends. I don't. I try not to. Don't get me wrong, I know a lot of people and care about them. Some of them I care a great deal about, and would do things for that you may from the outside think 'they must be close', but we aren't. In my life, outside of my family, I have 4 close friends. Four. Including the women in my family that number would go to 6. Of these four (or 6) women I know I can tell them just about anything, and have for the most part. I value their input in my life and take to heart any critiques they give. I love being around them and love sharing with them. Some of them I don't get to see very often, but with each reunion we pick up like we haven't spent a minute a part. One of them has lived on a separate continent from me, (and didn't have a phone!) but I never really felt far from her. With these girls it feels like they will do more than stay on a Christmas card list. I feel like I will carry them with me wherever the military decides to lead us. I thought a lot about these girls when I thought about this post, but in all honesty not one of them is my best friend.
My best friend is the one that saw the hot mess I am and married me anyway! I vividly remember being 12 when I started praying for the man I was going to marry. I prayed about him almost every night without realizing I already knew him. It's funny that I met Rob around the same time I started praying and seriously giving thought to the man I would end up with. God's pretty funny like that. I thought about him all through middle and high school and gave God the list of what I wanted even down to physical appearance. Boy was I surprised when the probably blonde, probably small town, probably football and fishing lovin', Texan hearted boy I thought I would marry turned out to be a dark haired, dark skinned, dark eyed gorgeous man that would take me from my home state and show me the country from coast to coast. He doesn't fish, and only watches Cowboy football with me. He is nothing like the man I thought of and I am so grateful for it. God exceeded what I wanted in every way. You know the verse 'For this child I prayed'? For this husband I prayed. I feel comfortable saying these things about him, because I think you know by now that my soul belongs to the Lord and He is the giver of all that is good in my life, so I feel I can fully express that I love and adore the good thing He gave me in Rob. He is THE MOST FUN I have ever had and I am nuts about him. He is goofy, and wildly inappropriate at times (okay, most of the time). He is smarter than I will ever be, and incredibly handsome. He is incredibly considerate of others and goes to great lengths to make sure everyone feels welcome around him. He may be my polar opposite in that way! He can sing, play multiple instruments, and is a ridiculous dancer. He has three laughs, the mean one, the fake one, and the real one, and it is not easy to tell the difference unless you're married to him. He loves all things economics and politics. He listens to NPR (gag me.) 90% of any car trip. He is not a man that loves sweets, but will eat any dessert I make and say that he loves it. He is kind, and generous with his love for our family. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I thank God for him many, many times a day. I value him and am deeply proud of him.
I don't want to fill you with the wrong image. Our road has not been a smooth one from the beginning (the real beginning almost 11 years ago). We have absolutely slipped from the top of the mountain and held tight to the rocky sides, especially in the first few years. There have been arguments and tears and name calling (me. I'm a shameless name caller). There has been over year of time a part when you add up the TDY assignments and 2 deployments. There has been a lot of poor choices made by both of us. In spite of all of that, there has been 7 wedded years, a child we love so much it makes us crazy (or he makes us crazy, depending on the day), 7 moves, 4 apartments, 2 rentals, and 1 home, and more peaceful bliss, love, and laughter than I ever would have counted on. My husband has seen me wild, sick, happy, sad, angry, angrier still, and furious. He has loved me despite all of my baggage, and I him. I know that the difficult times we've faced seem like small potatoes to some, and I am thankful for that. I know that there are dark, windy roads that we could find ourselves on. Temptation is everywhere in this world and it is easy to get snared by a dark trap. I believe wholeheartedly that we have avoided a lot with the grace of God and will pray for that to continue. I pray that I will always have my best friend there to pick me up and hold my hand. I pray that he knows there isn't a thing in this world I wouldn't do for him. I pray that wherever we end up, and whatever we do along the way, that we are still joyful and laughing at the other end, side by side.
I care about a lot of people, some very deeply, but he is my best friend.
When I thought about writing this post I really thought about the women in my life. I have never prided myself as someone who has a lot of close friends. I don't. I try not to. Don't get me wrong, I know a lot of people and care about them. Some of them I care a great deal about, and would do things for that you may from the outside think 'they must be close', but we aren't. In my life, outside of my family, I have 4 close friends. Four. Including the women in my family that number would go to 6. Of these four (or 6) women I know I can tell them just about anything, and have for the most part. I value their input in my life and take to heart any critiques they give. I love being around them and love sharing with them. Some of them I don't get to see very often, but with each reunion we pick up like we haven't spent a minute a part. One of them has lived on a separate continent from me, (and didn't have a phone!) but I never really felt far from her. With these girls it feels like they will do more than stay on a Christmas card list. I feel like I will carry them with me wherever the military decides to lead us. I thought a lot about these girls when I thought about this post, but in all honesty not one of them is my best friend.
My best friend is the one that saw the hot mess I am and married me anyway! I vividly remember being 12 when I started praying for the man I was going to marry. I prayed about him almost every night without realizing I already knew him. It's funny that I met Rob around the same time I started praying and seriously giving thought to the man I would end up with. God's pretty funny like that. I thought about him all through middle and high school and gave God the list of what I wanted even down to physical appearance. Boy was I surprised when the probably blonde, probably small town, probably football and fishing lovin', Texan hearted boy I thought I would marry turned out to be a dark haired, dark skinned, dark eyed gorgeous man that would take me from my home state and show me the country from coast to coast. He doesn't fish, and only watches Cowboy football with me. He is nothing like the man I thought of and I am so grateful for it. God exceeded what I wanted in every way. You know the verse 'For this child I prayed'? For this husband I prayed. I feel comfortable saying these things about him, because I think you know by now that my soul belongs to the Lord and He is the giver of all that is good in my life, so I feel I can fully express that I love and adore the good thing He gave me in Rob. He is THE MOST FUN I have ever had and I am nuts about him. He is goofy, and wildly inappropriate at times (okay, most of the time). He is smarter than I will ever be, and incredibly handsome. He is incredibly considerate of others and goes to great lengths to make sure everyone feels welcome around him. He may be my polar opposite in that way! He can sing, play multiple instruments, and is a ridiculous dancer. He has three laughs, the mean one, the fake one, and the real one, and it is not easy to tell the difference unless you're married to him. He loves all things economics and politics. He listens to NPR (gag me.) 90% of any car trip. He is not a man that loves sweets, but will eat any dessert I make and say that he loves it. He is kind, and generous with his love for our family. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I thank God for him many, many times a day. I value him and am deeply proud of him.
I don't want to fill you with the wrong image. Our road has not been a smooth one from the beginning (the real beginning almost 11 years ago). We have absolutely slipped from the top of the mountain and held tight to the rocky sides, especially in the first few years. There have been arguments and tears and name calling (me. I'm a shameless name caller). There has been over year of time a part when you add up the TDY assignments and 2 deployments. There has been a lot of poor choices made by both of us. In spite of all of that, there has been 7 wedded years, a child we love so much it makes us crazy (or he makes us crazy, depending on the day), 7 moves, 4 apartments, 2 rentals, and 1 home, and more peaceful bliss, love, and laughter than I ever would have counted on. My husband has seen me wild, sick, happy, sad, angry, angrier still, and furious. He has loved me despite all of my baggage, and I him. I know that the difficult times we've faced seem like small potatoes to some, and I am thankful for that. I know that there are dark, windy roads that we could find ourselves on. Temptation is everywhere in this world and it is easy to get snared by a dark trap. I believe wholeheartedly that we have avoided a lot with the grace of God and will pray for that to continue. I pray that I will always have my best friend there to pick me up and hold my hand. I pray that he knows there isn't a thing in this world I wouldn't do for him. I pray that wherever we end up, and whatever we do along the way, that we are still joyful and laughing at the other end, side by side.
I care about a lot of people, some very deeply, but he is my best friend.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Seasons
It's hard to believe it's been over a year since I put anything on this blog. There has been a lot that I wanted to share, but who has the time anymore? And being the Facebook addict that I am, most of my thoughts are now instant. Lucky everyone. Today, however, I feel like writing.
The temps are starting to drop in Maryland. Things are starting to feel cool, and it's not abnormal to wear long sleeves or a very light jacket at night. It's my favorite time of the year when the weather becomes cooler, the leaves start to change, and I no longer have to fear putting on a swim suit. I love all things Fall. I am giddy about our Halloween decorations coming out at the end of the month, and then I change them again twice before the new year! I love the rush of holidays that go with this season too. I'm all about any holiday devoted to getting chocolate. This particular Fall is going to be a good one, because my love returns from Iraq. Again. I feel grateful to live in a this time of technology. I can't imagine the days of WW2 when men left for years at a time and only corresponded by letters when they could. I always say WW2, but truly I'm grateful he wasn't in Iraq in 2004, when there was zero wifi and calls were brief and made from sat phones. Granted, last time he did have wifi in his room so we talked regularly, I am still at peace with the calls we get every couple of days. It's hard to be a part. It's hard to take care of the house/kid/car without wanting to fall apart every now and again. It's hard to be a military spouse. But I can't think of a better way to serve our county. So many people don't think about the incredible place we live until tragedy strikes. Even 10 years after 9-11 people have become 'hard' again. They have lost the patriotic tug at their hearts that was there in the months and years after. It's depressing if I think about it too much. It may be crazy, and I may regret this in the coming years, but I do hope our son serves. Right now he talks about how his daddy is a hero and how he wants to be a hero too, and I try to encourage that. The military is a teacher like no one else, and I want our children to learn and be grateful for what their dad does. I want them to know the road that we chose for our family was not always easy, but it was meaningful and helped others. I want them to know that their dad IS a hero and the people that serve with him are too. One day, if I am watching my son be sworn in I hope to be joyful and give thanks for the man of courage he will be. (Really I'm hoping that those feelings will be there and real with anything he chooses to do in life!) But for now, I will watch with my nose pressed to the glass, willing the leaves to change and fall to the earth and bring my love home.
The temps are starting to drop in Maryland. Things are starting to feel cool, and it's not abnormal to wear long sleeves or a very light jacket at night. It's my favorite time of the year when the weather becomes cooler, the leaves start to change, and I no longer have to fear putting on a swim suit. I love all things Fall. I am giddy about our Halloween decorations coming out at the end of the month, and then I change them again twice before the new year! I love the rush of holidays that go with this season too. I'm all about any holiday devoted to getting chocolate. This particular Fall is going to be a good one, because my love returns from Iraq. Again. I feel grateful to live in a this time of technology. I can't imagine the days of WW2 when men left for years at a time and only corresponded by letters when they could. I always say WW2, but truly I'm grateful he wasn't in Iraq in 2004, when there was zero wifi and calls were brief and made from sat phones. Granted, last time he did have wifi in his room so we talked regularly, I am still at peace with the calls we get every couple of days. It's hard to be a part. It's hard to take care of the house/kid/car without wanting to fall apart every now and again. It's hard to be a military spouse. But I can't think of a better way to serve our county. So many people don't think about the incredible place we live until tragedy strikes. Even 10 years after 9-11 people have become 'hard' again. They have lost the patriotic tug at their hearts that was there in the months and years after. It's depressing if I think about it too much. It may be crazy, and I may regret this in the coming years, but I do hope our son serves. Right now he talks about how his daddy is a hero and how he wants to be a hero too, and I try to encourage that. The military is a teacher like no one else, and I want our children to learn and be grateful for what their dad does. I want them to know the road that we chose for our family was not always easy, but it was meaningful and helped others. I want them to know that their dad IS a hero and the people that serve with him are too. One day, if I am watching my son be sworn in I hope to be joyful and give thanks for the man of courage he will be. (Really I'm hoping that those feelings will be there and real with anything he chooses to do in life!) But for now, I will watch with my nose pressed to the glass, willing the leaves to change and fall to the earth and bring my love home.
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