Control Freak

Hi. My name is "Martha" and I'm a control freak.
Today is the WORST day to be a control freak. Today three strange men came to my house and spent eight hours packing everything we own onto a truck to take away for eight months while, dun dunna dun!, my husband leaves for Iraq. It is the worst part of military life.
My sweet husband was given orders a day after my last posting. That gave us 13 days to find a moving company, get that in order, get the house cleaned up, pack a separate 'house' to take with me to Texas, and squeeze extra family time into an already jammed schedule. And his list included meetings and shots! If there was ever a time where my Martha was in over drive, it is now. Funny enough, this is definitely a time for me to practice Mary! I should be kicking back on the couch with him and the baby watching movies and enjoying each other. Instead, the couch is now in a warehouse some where and we are laying on a full size mattress in the middle of an empty living room, and all that is on my mind, well one thing on my mind, is what apartment complex I'll be moving into next week. Ridiculous!
An aspect of Martha I don't think is spotlighted in her story, but I'm sure we share, is to worry. I'm a big time worrier. I'm fairly flexible with most things, but when it comes to the husband and the kid, my rigidness would have sunk the Titanic. I haven't thought much about where he is headed, because I think I would suffocate in my own fear. I can't think about him having to retrain on a weapon because he'll have to carry one around for the next few months, because it would completely paralyze me.
Instead I think about old milk. One day I accidentally took a sip of sour milk, which instantly resulted in spitting over and over again in the sink. That milk had an expiration date, but I didn't see it or probably didn't look at it and had some anyway. In a way, we are like old milk. Each of us has an expiration date. One day we will have out stayed our time here and will die. Who's to say that my time isn't going to run out tomorrow? With that same mind set, who's to say that his number is up in Iraq? He could just as easily get in his truck and drive through our security gates and be hit by a bus. His expiration date is not up to me. I have to trust in God's perfect timing, and can only pray that He will protect him and bring him safely back to us everyday.

Got milk?

Split personalities.

There are two known me-s. Like I said in my previous post, I'm a quick tongued, anger monger sometimes, and other times I'm a docile, loving, caring, creature of niceties. Unfortunately for me, the monger wins out more than I would like to admit. Especially lately. I have been in a funk for a while now. We've skipped a month worth of Chapel, I've only been to Bible study twice this month, and daily devotions haven't happened in... a long time. All of these things separately wouldn't concern me, but when these stars align it seems to be monger magic.
And, hang on to your hats, here's the troubling news: My monger and my niceties have morphed into a very powerful spin off. The newest 'me' is nice enough and doesn't cause waves, but instead calmly talks me out of good and steers me toward more 'practical' conclusions. For example, when my hind end should be up and at the gym, the new me doesn't scoff my previous attempts and plant 'ugly body' seeds like the monger does. Instead it gently tells me 'Hon, it's 5 in the morning. The baby had a rough night so today doesn't look promising. And, oh yeah, it's 20* outside! Just stay in bed and try again tomorrow. If it will help, I'll only drink one Dr. Pepper today, and it will be diet! Okay, maybe two...' See, she's a smooth talker.
I'm a fairly strong person, but the really bad part of all of this is, I'm starting to like her! She makes sense, she seems very level headed, and I agree with her that staying in bed is a better choice. Her lethargy about spiritual choices is more troublesome though. She's not much for Chapel (it's at a weird time of day, it is 1 1/2 hour long, etc), but she doesn't fight going. She doesn't want to go to Bible study, but the break from parenting entices her (that's pretty wrong, huh?). She's interested in doing a devotion, but really where will she find the time?!
She's not all bad. She's not all good, but she's definitely better than the monger. I'm still unsure what to do with her, except of course to let her sleep in. I'm pretty sure that if I don't her counterpart, the monger, will show up and she's much less pleasant!

Lord, help me to do what is right. And please tell me what right is. Amen.

Satan, party of 2?

Do you ever have evil thoughts? Not like 'Man, I sure wish I could strangle someone right now.' but the kind that are more rebellious? There was once this time in high school youth group when we had taken like 8 'spiritual gift' test and I had started lying through my teeth after the 4th one to see if I would get different results (I did) and finally after the 6th one was pretty much done with the whole idea. Well, by the 8th one I wasn't even taking the dumb things any more. I decided to make up my own spiritual gift and when my turn came to tell the rest of the class what the test said my gift was I put on the straightest face I have and simply said 'Wrath.' There may have been a person or two that was a tad offended that I wasn't taking this very seriously, but from that point forward, a teeny tiny bit of me thought maybe that answer wasn't far off. I was (am) quick to pass judgment. I was (am) able to become very indignant on the spot. I was (am) able to tell you what to do or, for some, where to go without a moments hesitation. Why couldn't I have wrath? I seemed to fit the bill. Now, six years later, I have come to grips with my spiritual gift probably not being wrath. Mostly because it's not very Biblical, and if God was doling out wrath as a gift He would probably be wise enough to not give it to me.
Having said all of that, I do believe that quick tongue and touch of meanness is in my DNA, and is something God is shining the biggest light possible on. I don't believe I'm a mean person, contrary to what the rest of my entire family has said both to me and about me to other people. I have a lot of love that is freely given to whomever I choose. I have a husband and child, as well as a group of close friends that I'm completely honest with and love very much. However, I think that believing that I had the wrath, and being told that I'm mean for many years has put me at a disadvantage for this part of changing. I have honed my tongue to say mean things very quickly, and sometimes without you even realizing that it was a slam, to the point that change is like being a dam. On the outside I want to say calm things like 'Good for you!' 'I'm so happy about that!' 'Yippee!' but on the inside I want to say things like 'You have to be freaking kidding me!' 'I'm so sick to death of this if I hear it one more time I will spend multiple years in jail for what I will do to you!' 'Get away from me immediately, or this won't end well!' See, pretty big dilemma. I have been trying to bite my tongue and keep quiet, but my insides are raging. I'll find myself stewing for days and I think 'Oh honey, if I could just have shot out a quick 'no one cares about your problems so pick up your waawaa bag and move along' then I would have felt so much better and wouldn't even be thinking about it right now.' I haven't though. I truly hope this is pleasing to God and He's not up there shaking His head or really not taking any notice at all. I have been trying. Though it may not seem sincere enough to all (sorry guys, my poem writing days are over) it's a work in progress. Just like me. And if you don't like it then you can go straight to....
Great. Now I need a tongue band aid.

Great is Thy faithfulness!

A lot has happened since the last time I checked in. The baby and I flew home and I attended a confrence, well part of it, while he stayed with my mom. My mother got engaged. My sister found out we're expecting another adorable girl. Hubby has been put up for a great work-related award. All in all, life is going!
This confrence that I semi attended was a really good time. It was a Christian women's confrence with mass meetings in the morning and evening and classes throughout the day. While I attended the main sessions, I skipped out on the classes. The speaker was hilarious and did a fantastic job, but none of the classes a) sounded all that great and b) fit into a schedule that incorporated going out for meals since the meals provided were not all that appealing.
The ladies that I spent the most time with and I have decided to start meeting on Saturdays to begin a Kay Arthur study. I'm really excited about this prospect. I believe that your faith is personal, and you don't have to go around beating people to death with it to have it. I've done that before, and as I've gotten older I realize that most people don't respond well to that, and are more intrigued by a person that lives their faith instead of wearing it on their chest. With my thought on faith being personal, I think that this atmosphere will lend a more intimate setting as opposed to the class room setting we are currently attending. I've enjoyed my class very much, but the rest of our women's group meetings are really too much. Don't get me wrong, I love good praise music and I enjoy fellowshiping with other women, but I really feel like we lose the spirit of the setting with the announcements, check-in, crazy prayer games, and stopping by for refreshments. I'm praying that this new smaller group will be more like what I initially had envisioned. I believe that God can and will bless this idea, especially since it will remove myself and the other women from passing judgement on how things are ran in the current group, and hopefully will curb gossip sessions about what 'she' really meant when she said '___'.
I'm also in prayer that a friend of mine will join us. She's had a rough two years finding a place to be plugged in and I'm really hopeful that if she would try just one more time that she would find a safe haven with us. It's rough to find a group of women that you can easily mesh with instantiously. I have been incredibly blessed, or lucky, or whatever you would like to call it with every move we've made thus far in being able to find at least one fantastic friend that I can be myself around and truly feel at home with. At our first post, I lucked into a job where I met a woman over twice my age (infact, she has a daughter my age) that was and is a wonderful influence to me, and I would like to think I rubbed off on her a little too! We are both terrible at pilates, but would console ourselves with a nice lunch at Freebirds! At our next assignment I met my favorite friend. A mother of four, devoted and loving wife, amazing chef, and all around great friend. I miss her every day. She was like a big sister and a best friend rolled into one and gave me a great role model as far as how I want to parent. Her faith, albeit different than mine (she's Mormon) is deeper and more rock solid than many people I have met in churches in at least three states now. And here I have been blessed with two new friends that I think are keepers. They are there when I need an ear, a shoulder, or a baby sitter which is absolutely priceless! Even though we are new friends, I have a good feeling about them. They may remain on our Christmas card list for quite some time.
All I have needed Thy hand has provided. Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me!

I once was lost... and still not found!

Have you ever had one of those days where you felt just a little nuts? That's my every day. Today, however, I am in the more-than-a-little category. I have lost my keys. I used them yesterday, but today they are gone. Vanished. Poof.
I have torn my house apart searching for them. I have been in every closet, every nook, every couch cushion, and every tiny space in our 800 sq ft. house with no luck. In fact, I've been there at least four times now. I had to call my husband at work, which I hate doing, to see if he picked them up or was playing a cruel joke on me. When he got home he went through every closet, nook, cushion, space with about the same luck (he did find his brown belt, so I would say it was slightly luckier for him).
So now I'm sitting here waiting for Divine Intervention. A vision, a clue, something to lead me to my keys and give me that feeling of independence I like so much. Even though I really have no place to be or to go.
Lord help me before I go completely nuts!

All things beautiful in the eyes of the Lord?

Well, the shelf is up and looks great and now I'm back on me. In fact, for the past few weeks I've been getting up sporadically through the week at 5 am to hit the gym. There hasn't been a drastic difference, but there also hasn't been a drastic difference in what's going in my mouth. So I'm toying with the idea of upping the anty so to speak by posting pictures of my physical change here. I'm assuming that no one is reading this blog and it's more cathartic than entertaining so it wouldn't be too embarassing to see myself here. After all I see myself every day. But I'm still a chicken. Though all things may be beautiful in the eyes of te Lord, my fat self is not so appealing to me. Right now my goal is 7 lbs by Thanksgiving. That's about 4 weeks, and I think very do able.
Wish me luck, and hide the cookies!

One step forward, two steps back

In my new experiment of change I've decided that more than just me could benefit. I'm constantly going to be a work in progress, but there are things that can be changed right away. (Sounds like a Martha thing to say huh?) So instead of wallowing in self pity that we currently reside in the crappiest house inside of the worst neighborhood of our base, I thought 'What can we do to make this more like a home?' There is a severe lack of storage space, and space in general here so why not go vertical with some shelves? A shelf to be exact. So I pitch the idea to hubby and he grudgingly goes to the hardware store to pick up a piece of wood and some L brackets. While there we take a trip through the mock kitchens with their gleaming counter tops, beautiful real-wood cabinets, and my oh my, the drawers! One 7 foot section of fake kitchen is about 100 times better than the kitchen I'm looking at right now from our desk. So hubby starts feeling slighted and becomes grumpy about our current abode, and I feed off of him the whole way home. By the time we reach our dirty, tiny, mold infested house we are both completely crabby and toad green with envy about what we're missing out on.
Hubby is on his second trip to the hardware store now to get smaller screws for the new shelf, but we both know it will take more than a shelf to fix this place. It will take a bull dozer. Though I keep telling myself, and him, that this is not our 'home' and one day we won't have to live here anymore, and maybe just maybe one of these days will be able to pick out our own house somewhere, we are we are currently and need to make the best of it. The question is how. And that is where I'm stuck. In my spirit of change I feel pretty down about this place. It's definitely not much, and I'm sure there are worse, and at this moment in time it's all we have. I am fully aware that the only thing that can change about this house is my attitude, and Heaven help me I've tried. I guess we'll just have to try a little harder this time around.
And of course, stay away from fake kitchens.

Oh Ancient of Days

It's been a while. My computers (oh yeah, plural) have been in the shop for nearly a month. All the while I thought, ' NOOOOO!!! I'll have no connection with the outside world!' but really I had more! I didn't lose a single nights sleep over what 'news' I was missing out on, or who's emails I needed to return, or anything for that matter! I have spent more time on the floor with my kid playing ball and clapping, or watching Baby Van Gough than I normally would have and realized that he has grown leaps and bounds this week. My beautiful little boy has at least 4 new words in his vocabulary, to include 'dada', can wave hello and goodbye, and is trying his hardest to clap! What a blessing it has been to step away from the computer and enjoy time soley with him.
We've also gotten out more as a family. For the past two weekends we've done mini road trips and have been able to witness the seasons change in the east. It's been amazing how deep the conversations have been in our car and how off key we each sing! What a blessing it is to be so unconnected.
And how nice it is to have it back!

Free, Free I'm Free at Last

After posting yesterday I received about 10 more emails and another phone call insisting on another meeting, and details that I didn't have. All the while I have a husband at home that I haven't spent time with in ages, and a kid that has snot from his nose to his chin. After saying "My kid's sick. I just can't do this today." and being told that it was a must I realized that I could no longer be a part of this. It's a Bible study. Not a job, not a negotiation, and definitely not a dictatorship. It's a Bible study. So I resigned my post. I was, and am, very sad to have to step down. I really thought this was going to be a blast. I had ideas for big things to draw in more women and families, but I have to put my family first. Rob completely agrees. He's been telling me to get out for a while now, and this weekend was the nail in the coffin so to speak. Rob pulled weekend duty so he was gone all night and slept most of the day, and the little that we did see each other this dominated the conversation. It's funny how I was letting a Bible study become the ruler of our house, and when the ruler of our house (Rob) finally said enough it was easy to let it go.
There is a book I'm reading called 'Having a Mary Spirit in a Martha World' that I believe helped me come to this decision. It's the reason for the title and verse accompanying this blog. I know it would be easy to say 'From this point forward this is how I will base my life', but it will be hard to do. And it will open up a foot hold for Satan to step in. So instead I will say "Lord guide me and help me to have a calm and peaceful spirit."

Jesus saves, but doing His work might kill ya.

Do you ever feel like a position that you've been 'led' to may be the end of you? I was asked last May to be on the executive board of our local women's Bible study. When I accepted the offer I was filled with excitement about working to provide an enriching and still entertaining program for the women that attend. Very soon after that I realized this was not going to be what I was originally expecting, or told. And here lately, I'm pretty sure it's going to be the death of me.
While I'm trying to stay calm and repeat the mantra, 'It's a Bible study. Just enjoy the Bible study.' I have a giant monkey on my back that is insisting on a million meetings a month and daily emails to keep everyone up to date. I have had to remind myself and fellow board members that this is not our job, we are volunteering, this should be enjoyable many times. In the mean time, it has been requested that I sit in on yet another meeting and discuss the same thing that has been discussed for the 8th time when what I really want to say is, 'That horse is dead, and now you're just being cruel.'
Unfortunately, the only other option I have is to step down, which I don't really want to do because I enjoy the position very much. So I guess I should go get ready for that meeting...

"It's a Bible study. Just enjoy the Bible study."