Oh Silly Dog.

I have to tell you I love cribs! Not the TV show. I actually don't like that one. People purchase ridiculous things. No, I love cribs the bed. They are the most wonderful and powerful weapon in a mom's arsonal. "Don't do that or you'll have to go to bed." "Don't touch that or you're going to your bed." "One more time and you're going to bed." Oh the crib is a mom's best friend. Well, at least this mom! As I sit here my son is screaming from his little entrapment, because he told me shut up four times in 2 minutes. I know you're thinking he probably should have been in bed after the first one, and I agree, but when I turn around and ask "What did you just say to me?" he says "I say silly dog." So instead of busting him on using an ugly phrase and lying, I let it slide. The first time. The next three were like rapid fire and even he knew there was no denying what was said. So off to bed with him.
Where does he pick this stuff up? He's not even two and he's telling me to shut up and then totally lying about it? It's disturbing. Or at least it should be. Lets face it, he's a smart kid, but he's not pulling this stuff out of thin air. I have a girlfriend I love to get to talk to, but because of the distance that's usually only done over the phone and every mom knows you can't have a private phone conversation with a toddler in the house unless you leave them in the house and go talk in the car. And the husband takes the car during the day, so that's out. (Kidding.) Well, one of the things that I apparently say to this friend alot is... You guessed it. Shut up! And he started out saying "shut up dog!" which he may have picked up from a certain mom who's silly dog likes to run in the opposite direction of the back door when she's called back in. So there's one mystery solved. But the lying? Do I lie in front of my child? I can't recall an all out lie I have even told lately. Not even a little white one. Where is that coming from? How do I stop it?
Psalm 34:12-14 (New International Version)
12 Whoever of you loves life and desires to see many good days,
13 keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking lies.
14 Turn from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it.
Of course this verse is true and easy for you and I to understand, but how do you teach it to a one year old? How do I get him to understand that he needs to watch his mouth?
Oh, right. Be the example.
Alright. I'll try starting now. The dog needs to go outside anyway.

5 up, 5 down!

Two weeks ago I went in to weigh and was (semi) shocked to learn I gained FIVE pounds! In one week! I didn't even think that was possible. Thanks to my good friends at Starbucks I learned it really is. I must have had a java chip frappaciono every single day, sometimes twice! It was a very yummy 5 lbs I will admit, but it had to go. The next week I lost 3 lbs. and 2 last week. So I'm back to where I was three weeks ago, which would typically send my right into a forget-this-tailspin, but I chose to stick it out and see what happened and it paid off!
Imagine if I hadn't given up on things all along the path that were too frustrating or hard for me to do! I probably would be an amazing gymnast (all of about a month), guitarist (can't even remember, but I do remember jumping on my bed and accidentally smashing the guitar that was tucked away underneath!), novelist (middle school), garbage man (child hood dream)! I should vow right now to never give up on anything again. I should. Should I? I'll go sit on the couch and think about that a while longer.

Be still my heart

After weeks of three-night-a-week practice I should know eating Mexican for lunch and pretzels for dinner is a bad call! My heart rate was way up tonight for an entire two hours. While some of you out there are saying 'That's a good thing! You're working hard and burning calories!' I'm saying "AAAHHH! I CAN'T BREATHE!" Add in the humidity of the night and I was not only sweating through my clothes, but panting as well. Attractive, I know.
More than that though, I am having to remind my heart not to break. Lately I've been a tad more emotional than I thought I would be at this stage in the game. Tears fill my eyes as I write this post, and it's only because I know the one that my heart is longing for. I miss my husband. That's probably the understatement of the year. I miss my best friend, my partner, my parenting break, my garbage taker outer. There are so many things that he did that I didn't even realize he did them because I hated them. He took care of the garbage. He cleaned the bathroom. He drove me everywhere! I didn't realize that I prefer to be passenger, until I didn't have a choice. I am currently having to make a lot of big decisions for us, some that I never imagined he wouldn't be here for, and I hate doing it. I never thought I would pick out our first house without him. I mean I knew the final decision would technically be made by me, seeing as how I'll be there all the time and he doesn't know/understand/care about floor plans, or paint color, or drapery. But at least he would be going on tours with me, and pointing out the things I miss. At least I wouldn't be alone. In all honesty, I really hate it the most for him. I would love for him to be there to pick out his first house! He has worked so hard and been so economically smart for 9 years for this chapter in life and he's going to miss walking in to somewhere and going 'Yep. This is home.' And he's so graciously given me free reign to go and do this. There are so many things that I love about him, but his heart for me, his giving, caring, gentle heart for me is definitely at the top.
I miss my husband. I miss my best friend.

WW part deux

Alright. I admit it. I'm a WW slacker, and all but gave up about two weeks ago. I didn't lose the 60 lbs I wanted to lose right away, so I ditched it for the last two weeks. Who knew that unless I cut off my leg I wouldn't be able to see a significant scale difference in a month?! I was eating much better, working out almost everyday, and getting nada in return. And my old ways returned in full force. Plus they fit me like a glove! Then I remembered that I am on a quest to change mentally, physically, and spiritually so I dropped my fork mid bite and rushed outside to get in a solid hour of exercise. Not really silly! I caught a glimpse of my dry erase board that says my husband will be home in 140 days after downing a java chip frappacino and polishing off a bag of chips, and thought 'Crap!' In the 142 days that he's been gone (YEA- he's now got less days to get home than the number of days he's been gone! We're on the down hill!) I have yet to master a way to drop 80 lbs, keep the house perfectly clean and organized, cook amazing meals in a flash, or teach our one year old any sort of musical instrument, unless of course you count beating on his high chair tray while I'm getting his lunch ready. What a failure I am!
So this morning with head hung low, I trudged into another WW meeting and am putting my best foot forward. I have to get at least one thing on that list done after all!
Lord, give me the strength, because I've grown quite fond of having both legs.

Just keep swimming!

Yeah, I'm on a movie kick. Ride it out with me.

Dory is easily the best part of Finding Nemo. She's so funny, so upbeat, and so entertaining with her quirky attitude and short term memory loss. I think the line from that movie that is most famous is the title of this post. She and Marlin (that's Nemo's dad, for those of you who are rock dwellers, or don't have children) are on a desperate hunt to find the tiny missing Nemo. They are traveling across the ocean to rescue him from the boat that captured him, and along the way they meet several colorful characters. Now I don't want to ruin the movie for you so, or get sued by Disney, so I won't go into a lot of detail, but through the movie Dory sings "Just keep swimming! Just keep swimming!" to pass the time. I'm vaguely aware that this movie was made for children, and am not at all embarrassed to say I've seen it more than once, and before I ever had a child of my own.
Now, I don't know about you, but I have definitely felt like I was a little fish in a mighty pond. A little lost, a little frightened, and a lot crazy! This world can be very overwhelming if you sit and soak it all in at once. It's best to take small sips sometimes so your head doesn't start spinning. Lately I have been thinking about my spiritual life through movies (aka, there will be more movie inspired posts). In this particular movie the short term memory loss that our little, blue heroine is viewed as a determent. I think that in most life situations this condition is a determent even if it's a long time coming, like in dementia patients, but in the spiritual realm it could be the best possible thing to happen to you. How great it would be if my mind thought of nothing but Jesus. If all the nuances of life were just flittering pieces of nothing that float by me while I cheerfully move towards my Lord?! If only! Instead of being drawn into the junk of life, or as an old pastor of mine loved to say 'the minutia of life', I would be able to spend my days joyful and bursting with the Lord's light. Marvelous! When that little fish feeling sets in I could swim right through it constantly focusing on the power of the Almighty.
It reminds me of when Peter stepped out of the boat in Matthew 14:28-32. Peter, a devout follower of Jesus, a man that left his old life with no look backs and no regrets, sees Jesus out on the water and says "If it is you Lord, tell me to come to you!" And when Jesus does, (my own imagination will take over the specifics here) Peter grabs the railing and swings his legs over the side of the boat, probably to the dismay of the other passengers aboard, and everyone stares with eyes wide, none more so than Peter himself as he cautiously takes his first few steps. Suddenly Peter realizes 'Hello?! I'm not capable of doing this! This is insanity! People walk on land not on water! There is no way!' and as these thoughts and doubts begin filling his mind water starts filling his shoes. In this instant Peter loses focus on Jesus and is watching his robes start to float up around him. Panicked he cries out as a last act of desperation "Lord, save me!" Without hesitation Jesus rescues poor Peter who possibly would have suffered a Leo-in-Titanic fate right then and there. How easy it is to lose focus and drown in your own problems and weaknesses! What our dear Peter lacked, our friend Dory is stocked up on. Blind faith. It's the kind of faith that says 'I'm not sure what's happening, or where I'm headed, but take me where You will Lord!' and in saying that you truly lose focus on the worldly surroundings and tunnel in on God's goodness and precious grace.
Alas, I am human and have had and continue to have my fair share of Peter moments. I have felt the water clean up to my chin before calling out to the Lord for a preserver. Unfortunately, I can only guess how many more times I'll be treading water in the highest seas before reaching out to the One that the winds and the waves calm for. But thankfully I serve a God that is never finished with me. He probably doesn't appreciate my own feeble attempts to swim, but never turns away my soaking footprints.
So like the fish (not like Peter!) I'll just try to keep swimming with joy in my every swish as I continue to follow the path to seek out God's will for me, even if it means I have to swim the entire ocean.

We're off to see the Wizard!

Maybe it's just me, but do you ever have a day where your anthem could only be sung best by a man made of straw? Well if I only had a brain I would stop sabotaging my own efforts at change both physically and spiritually. (Let's throw mentally and emotionally in there for good measure) I made up my mind a while back to start this transformation experiment, but apparently I wasn't really ready...
I still eat tons of junk! I didn't do a drop of exercise all last week, and relatively none the week before. I still lose sleep over worry and stress and have long, long narratives in my mind on how to handle things instead of discussing it with the Lord and leaving it there. And I've found that single parenting has brought out my use of four letter words much more than it did when Rob was home. In fact, I'm getting more and more concerned with it as the baby continues to mimic everything I say! That will be fun to explain at his CHURCH school!
And I know, you're sitting here reading these thinking "Hello stupid?! Stop doing them" but you forget, I don't have a brain. I know what I'm supposed to do. I know not to curse in front of my child even at the dog. Even if the dog deserved it. Or not to go ahead and polish off the bag of chips just because they are there. These are basic things!
But there's a blockage somewhere between my common sense and my actual, functioning brain. Blame it on sinuses and lousy weather changes, but my head is both literally (too literally) and figuratively congested. Something is not clicking and kicking me into action instead of just word. After some serious (non)brain racking, I think I have found the core of the problem. Me.
I have reverted to old ways, and old strength and it's definitely not enough. Instead I should be using Ancient ways and Ancient strength. I need to remember that the Lord did not make me to shoulder the weight of the world, but to revel in His glory and spend my time loving His grace! Though the problems I listed above have been created by me and I do need to bare responsibility, I do not have to go at it alone. The Lord wants to help us. He wants to make our yellow brick road straight, and trip to "Oz" a pleasant one.
I may not always have a brain, but I do always have a Father that is willing to help me think. And for that, I am eternally grateful!

Whew.

This weekend was the greatest weekend I have ever had. Easily takes the cake! I was able to see my wonderful husband and as an added bonus the baby came with me. It was so much fun and so amazing to see him after six weeks and have a weekend of relaxation and rest. I am even more smitten with him now than I was when this all started nearly six years ago!
With those feelings of infatuation comes a massive wave of sadness at another goodbye. I handled it better than I thought I would, but that just means that I wasn't escorted out by airport security in a big kicking-and-screaming ball of tears! It was hard to watch him board the plane, even though I was very grateful to be let through security to spend every last second with him, but I think it was hardest when I landed back in Texas this afternoon. It made it feel real. I knew the day was coming that he would leave, but I hadn't prepared myself for the day I would! When the plane landed so did a weight on my chest. It's officially begun. The baby and I are here and he is there. For at least the next 196 days this is how our world will be. I have a dry erase board in the kitchen and every morning I erase the number and write in the new one. This started at 218, so I really feel like this is a cathartic part of my day!
With the help of my family, and the comfort of the Lord I know we can make it through this. I mean, we have already made it six weeks!

Ah, King David...

"10 Create in me a clean heart, O God,
And renew a steadfast spirit within me.
11 Do not cast me away from Your presence,
And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me." Psalms 51:10-11

After my last post I had to sit and have a talk with the Lord. "Father, why is this happening? We were doing so well and life was smooth and now this. Why do You allow me to hurt like this?"
What a question to bring before God! He brought this passage to me, I believe, as an answer. Like a human I began dwelling on the 'why mes' and dropping my eyes from Heaven to look at my surroundings. Which, by the way could use a visit from the vacuum, but I digress. Instead of seeing this time of separation from my normal life as a time to grow in the Lord I have been viewing it as a time of isolation and even punishment.
How happy am I to serve a God that is in the business of loving humans! Even when I begin to dip into the pits, and want to throw a tantrum He patiently and lovingly reminds me that while this particular time in our lives may not be what we want or expected "I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11) If I believe this to be true (which I do) and know God truly cares for me (again, I do) then I am left with no other option than to cry out like King David.
Clean my heart, O Lord! Remove any foothold Satan may have so that I can fully rely on the knowledge that You are with me and that Your love is ever present, ever perfect, and ever lasting! Help me to remained focus on You even when I want to kick and scream about how unfair life is, and thank you for loving me even when I'm childish.
Whew! After tackling that I'm ready for anything. Now where has that vacuum ran off too?

Pity party. Table for 1.

Tonight I'm feeling pretty down. I had a good day full of exercising and lunch with family, but it's hard to come home to emptiness and keep your spirits up. The baby is currently napping, which is great, but it gives me even more time to pine for my husband. It's hard when you're surrounded by family and familiarity and yet you still feel so out of place. I'm sitting in my apartment, again. Eating a bowl of soup, again. Missing my husband and my 'real life', again. I don't belong here. I belong with him. And I miss sitting in our tiny town home while he sat at his desk messing on the computer and the baby and I played behind him carrying on a conversation as a whole. I miss having someone to share inside jokes, and someone that I can anything to without feeling judged. I miss having someone that say 'I missed you today' or 'I am so happy to be home' or even 'What's for dinner'. You would be surprised what small things you miss when they aren't there anymore and the big things you take for granted!
I almost, almost miss cleaning the bathroom sink after he shaves every morning. Almost.

Ready for visitation!

I have 10 days until I leave and 11 until I see the husband! I can hardly stand myself! As I gear up to see him, I'm also gearing up to leave the baby behind. I am so torn. I know those two guys would love to hang out, but we haven't seen each other in six weeks and it will only be for two days. It's just hard to leave one boy to see the other!
On a similar, but different note I had to get on the Wii today and play for a while to get in a little work out. I wasn't able to go to my weigh in last week due to weather, and so I wasn't able to get a 'tracker' and let my diet diary slide. Plus there was a day this week when I couldn't get enough food in my mouth! So the past two days I've had to be extra good so that the weigh in tomorrow won't be dreadful. I have to look good for my impending trip!
Is there anyone out there that believes that in 11 days I can drop 20 lbs?? No. Well, how about 19?

Do I smell sadness cooking??

I miss my husband. I miss him very, very much and to me, well the me I'm trying to change but having a rough go at it, means drowning my grief in ice cream and chocolate. I joined up at our local Weight Watchers two weeks ago and am down 4.6 lbs, which is fantastic, but there isn't enough umph there to keep me out of the kitchen. I may have to barricade myself!
Tonight I'm sitting in my apartment alone thinking about him and wanting to eat. I've tried reading and watching tv to no avail and am now trying to keep my hands busy writing this post and airing out some grief.
Luckily, I get to talk to my husband every night and sometimes I get to text message or have a brief phone call in the afternoon. This is a lot more than some spouses get and I definitely don't want to take it for granted. I'm nervous, because the reality is that soon those chats can be cut down and possibly on hold sporadically. Before that happens we are going to get one more chance to spend some time together before he leaves the country! I'm so excited about that, it almost motivates me to shut my hungry mouth! I'm leaving in three weeks and will get to see him at least one evening, and hopefully two whole days. We are both praying for the latter! My plane is all booked and my friends back home are going to take care of me while I'm there and I am trying to resist packing my bags!
Until then, pray that I can keep my emotions in check and my nose out of the fridge!